my body | Notion

I prayed for beauty
beauty was a way for me to be special. when i was special, i felt my parents love for me the most.
how had i already been introduced to the concept of competition between womne before i had even learned to read?
although i knew these girls from my boyfriend’s past, or his mentions of them, was not an actual threat to my safety, my body reacted as if it was.
everyone prefers one over the other. that is how the woeld works; everything is ranked. one is always better than other.
I knew from a young age that I hadn't done anything to earn my beauty, just as my grandfather had pointed out to my mother. Was it, then, that my beauty was a thing my mother had given to me? I sensed at times that she felt entitled to it in some way, like a piece of bequeathed jewelry, one that was once hers, one that she'd lived with her entire life. It had been passed down to me heavy with all the tragedies and victories she had experienced with it.

i made these adjustments to my behaviour and attitude and body w one objective in mind: money.
my cup size was a valuable and rare asset
on my drive home from work, i’d transform back from mannequin to myself.
as the number of my scale went down, the number of checks had been going up
yet i felt like i was spiining and out of control
desperate to minimize the situation
in my early twenties, it had never occured to me that the women who gained their power from beayty were indebted to the mean whose desire granted them that power in the first place

owen forced himself of me
i thought i had to kiss him back since he’d taken me to a few parties
why did my 15-year-old self not scream at the top of her lungs? why did i whimper and moan softly instead? who had taught me not to scream? i hated myself